What’s the Big Deal Between Men & Women?

This past Sunday (5/21/17), I taught part 5 of my church's relationship series. My topic was, what is now, the title of this blog. I'm not a fan of topicy-topics, and this topic is so broad and so polarizing that up until after both services I was not sure how it was going to be received. Surprisingly, it was received far better than I could've imagined. Awesome how the Holy Spirit works, right! Based on the feedback I received, and since I had manuscripted the whole message (minus the parts where I expounded on the Bible references, and so on), I decided to post it along with the link to the audio sermon. May this not only bless you but challenge you to better understand and obey God accordingly.

I. Introduction
As a student of Scripture and a student of history, I have observed, relating to the topic I’m teaching on today, that a noticeable and touchy complication in relationships is in how men and women regard and treat one another’s similarities and differences. And that is pretty much my objective this morning, to biblically address how men and women are to regard and treat one another’s similarities and differences. In order to do so, I’ll be tackling 4 things: (i)how men and women are similar, (ii)how men and women are different, (iii)how things get complicated, and (iv)how we are to be in regarding and treating one another’s similarities and differences.

Some things to NOTE:

• Topicy-topics are so broad they can pose the problem of the preaching coming across as too narrow. So if by the end, some of you think that I didn’t touch enough or address other specifics, forgive me in advance.
• Most of this won’t be surprising. But it will challenge what we say we believe to be true with how we actually live out what we say we believe to be true.
• A lot of what I’ll be touching on today is applicable for all relationships and interactions with others, not just between men and women. But my context for this message is between men and women. So keep that in mind.

II. How are men and women similar?
-According to Scripture, we are similar universally in...

1. being image-bearers of God (Gen. 1:26-27)
   
   Because God decided in His love, goodness, and grace to create us in His image and according to His likeness, He has placed a divine imprint of value on humankind (both man and woman). And by doing so, God has dignified man and woman above every other aspect of His Creation, including heavenly hosts. So, whether a person believes in Jesus or not, every human (man and woman) is worthy of dignity because their mere existence is God’s testimony of His divine imprint of value upon them. Yet, because of sin, there is a constant depreciation of viewing and treating each other with this value and dignity.
2. our humanness (Gen. 1:27)
   
   You know what this mean? This means whatever trait we can think of for a human, we, both man and woman, share it (minus some biological traits, clearly). And to be sure this is being truly understood, I’ll push in a little further.
   

   The traits that we normally attribute to men or women (e.g. men are physical, sexual, logical, etc; and women are nurturing, sensitive, emotional, etc), the Bible does not declare those things as reserved distinctly for one or the other only. Those differing traits may be true of many men and women, but not all, and they certainly don’t define a man as a “man” or a woman as a “woman”. But that’s exactly what we (society, culture, & the Church) do. For example, there are many women who possess traits normally attributed to men (e.g. toughness, works with their hands, analytical, driven, etc) in which we (society, culture, & the Church) chauvinistically call them “tomboy” or “boyish” or say things like “they wear the pants”, etc); and, there are many men who possess characteristics normally attributed to women (e.g. sentimental, affectionate, docile, etc) in which we (society, culture, & the Church) chauvinistically call them “effeminate” or “soft”, or say things like “he’s not a man’s-man”, etc. If God does not define a man as a “man” or a woman as a “woman” by the traits mankind normally attributes to men and women, then neither should we define each other as such. Because when we do so, we are compartmentalizing our humanness to suit and justify our control or minimization of the other sex (or the same gender).
   

   We, as the Church, through the Holy Spirit, must follow the wisdom of God in Scripture and describe individuals (each man and woman) by how God has uniquely, fearfully, and wonderfully created that man or woman in His image. We have to stop defining men and women by the customary, societal, and cultural qualifiers that overtly and subliminally emphasize the superiority or inferiority of one sex over the other, or by swinging the pendulum to the other extreme and attempt to terminate the distinction between male and female altogether. None of these are right or pleasing to God.

We are co-equal as image-bearers of God and co-equal in our humanness. Until we trust God enough to see this and accept this and stop defining one another by mankind’s flawed opinion and not God’s Word, we will not be able to treat and value each man and woman with dignity and equality.

-According to Scripture, we are similar, exclusively for those who are born-again, in that...
3. we are equal in Christ (Gal. 3:25-29)
   
   What does this mean? This means God makes no distinction between man and woman in our spiritual status in Christ Jesus. We are equal brothers and sisters because we are both equally unconditionally loved by God as daughters and sons. We are both equally seated with Christ in the heavenlies. We are both equally citizens and ambassadors of the Kingdom. We are both equally ministers of the Gospel. We are both equally disciples of Jesus. Neither man nor woman is superior or inferior to the other in Christ. And we should never make the other feel as such.

These 3 are how men and women are similar: (i)in our value in God’s eyes as image-bearers, (ii)in our humanness, and specifically for Christians, (iii)in our spiritual status in Christ. We need to value and treat each other appropriately in these ways, and yes it will be tough, but we can do so through the transforming power of the Holy Spirit.

III. How are men and women different?
-According to Scripture, we are different universally…

1. in our individuality (Ps. 139:13-16)
   
   While your biology defines you as a man or woman (i.e. male = man; female = woman, cf. Gen. 1:27), it is your character (i.e. the sum of your traits, disposition, and convictions) as an individual man or woman that defines what kind of a man or woman you are. When you add how God fearfully and uniquely created you in His image + your sinful nature (which has distorted some of God’s image in you) + how you’ve been nurtured and influenced throughout your life (i.e. “the days that were formed for [you]”) = your individuality that defines what kind of a man or woman you are.
   

   And therein lies another reason why men and women are different, because this equation is filled in differently for each person. Hence, you will never find two of the same individuals. So, men and women, embrace and appreciate your God-shaped individualities without equating superiority or inferiority to the other, because your individuality is what makes you “you” and others “them”.
   

   Now, I’m not saying we have to like everybody. I’m also not saying we have to like everything about everybody. I’m saying because we’re co-equal in value to God, co-equal in our humanness, and (for believers) co-equal in our status in Christ, we have to value and respect the different individualities of other men and women.

-According to Scripture, we are different, exclusively for those who are born-again...

2. in our roles in marriage
   
   Scripture is clear from OT to NT, man has his particular instructions for his role/responsibility as “husband” and woman has her particular instructions for her role/responsibility as “wife”. The most emphatic and defining example of the difference in the roles in marriage is Jesus and the Church (Eph. 5:22-33). Jesus’ marriage with the Church is a model of how the roles in a marriage relationship are to be:

   –Jesus = groom/husband | Christian husband’s role = sacrificial love, servant leadership, and to exhaustively care for, protect, pursue, and value his wife like Jesus does so for His Bride/the Church
   –Church = bride/wife | Christian wife’s role = loving, respecting, pursuing, and following her husband’s lead like the Church does so unto Jesus

   Notice something, Jesus never steps into the Church’s role and the Church cannot step into Jesus’ role. There is a clear and necessary distinction in these roles. To change or ignore this undermines and rejects the nature of the relationship with Christ and His Church as well as the clear instructions to each spouse in Scripture. The consequences of changing or ignoring or disobeying these distinct roles in marriage leads to the same kind of fallout as Adam and Eve—Adam dropped the ball in his role and left his wife vulnerable and that led to sin, death, and destruction entering; Eve dropped the ball in her role and that too led to sin, death, and destruction entering; neither of them were innocent because both stepped outside of their roles.
   
   God gave us these different roles in marriage for two reasons, (i)for our complementary benefit and (ii)when carried out rightly (which we can do because of the indwelling of the Holy Spirit) these roles, even through our imperfect marriage, still portrays the hidden beauty of Christ and the Church....and also of the Holy Trinity.

   –The two, husband and wife, become one flesh = plurality in oneness \ There is plurality in the oneness of God as Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
   –Husband and wife are equal as image-bearers, equal in their humanness, and equal in Christ, but are also distinct in their individuality and roles \ The Trinity is co-equal as God and distinct in personhood as God.
   –Thus, marriage as also a portrait of the hidden beauty of the Holy Trinity.

   All of this reinforces the severity of marriage, because marriage portrays to a watching world the hidden beauty of Christ’s relationship with His Church and the Holy Trinity. Christian singles should not rush into marriage and Christian spouses cannot afford to be lazy in marriage.

IV. How things get complicated...
For Christians, our normal response to how things get complicated between men and women is what...? Sin. And maybe some of us will include and say “our differences/incompatibilities”, right? Yet as men and women, we complicate relationships not solely because of the generality of sin or because we’re different, but also because sin, selfishness, and fear specifically corrupts how we view our similarities and the good from our differences. And that corruption turns us either chauvinistic toward the other or preferential towards what’s familiar.

So you know what happens then? You get us men who, in our thinking, attitudes, and behaviors, whether knowingly or unknowingly, undervalue or devalue women. So much so, that by the 1800s women began contending for liberation from the discrimination of male domination; and the Bible was the basis for this movement in the US. And from the broader positive perspective of that movement, they were right to use the Bible as we’ve already seen today from our shared similarities. Feminism exists because of the sin of men having consciously and persistently failed at treating women and loving our wives like Scripture commands.

• Men, women are not to be objectified sexually or by their appearance (this includes our wives too). They are image-bearers of God who are to be treated, valued, and loved as such. Be intentional about guarding against your lust and checking your desires for sex because of lust.
• Christian men, as husbands, marriage is not your totalitarian domain. You are to be servant-leaders who follow Jesus’ example in how He leads His Bride/the Church. How you lead your wife affects how she loves you, and that ripples down to how your kids will lead and love their future spouses.
• Men, don’t presume a woman’s role is to motherhood only or to be a stay-at-home wife/mom only. That can (not will, but can) limit the beauty and potential of their God-designed individuality.
• Men, no woman owes you a single thing. You, like they, are indebted to God alone and none other.

You know what else happens because of sin, selfishness, and fear specifically corrupting how we view our similarities and the good from our differences? You get women, yes, you ladies, who, in your thinking, attitudes, and behaviors, whether knowingly or unknowingly, either overvalue men or become manipulative or biased toward men.

• Christian wives, your husband is not an emperor or a savior, you are not a subservient subject or a co-dependent doormat. You are to be lovers of Jesus your Savior and seek to ultimately please Him in your marriage as He has instructed you.
• Christian wives, on the other hand, don’t misapply God’s design for marriage by removing or reinterpreting or reversing the distinct roles He’s clearly and repeatedly laid out in Scripture for both you and your husband—even if your husband isn’t living up to it (cf. 1Pet. 3). Be on your guard against the curse of Eve (cf. Gen. 3:16), because your fleshly desire will be, in some way, for your husband’s role.
• Women, you are not to “use what you got to get what you want”, that is sinful and distorts and devalues the beauty of God’s image in you.
• Women, men are not sugar-daddies or boy-toys or meal-tickets or emotional plug-ins. They too are image-bearers of God who are to be treated, valued, and loved as such.
• Women, don’t assume the worst of men to the point that you become guilty of the same sin committed against you—discrimination, unfairness, chauvinism.
• Women, despite the centuries of male chauvinism, no man owes you a single thing. You, like they, are indebted to God alone and none other.

Bottom line, things get complicated (and real messy) between men and women when we don’t view or treat each other as God defines in Scripture. We must recognize our necessity of each other. Man was incomplete without woman (cf. Gen. 2:20). This would then imply woman was incomplete without man (for she came from man). And since the beginning, they now both come from one another (cf. 1Cor. 11:11-12). Which means neither man nor woman is superior or inferior to the other. In actuality this affirms our necessity and complementation of each other. Otherwise, man and woman would still be incomplete.

V. Conclusion: How we are to be regarding and treating one another…
I started this morning by saying, a noticeable and touchy complication in relationships is in how men and women regard and treat one another’s similarities and differences and that we were going to have to address several things to discover how to biblically deal with this. Throughout my sermon, if you’ve noticed, I have pointed out several things we, as believers, “are to be doing” (and can do because of the Holy Spirit) concerning how we regard and treat one another’s similarities and differences.

1. We are to see and accept our co-equality in value to God, in our humanness, and in our status in Christ, so we can esteem and interact with each other appropriately in these ways.
2. We have to stop defining one another by mankind’s flawed opinion and not God’s Word, so we can treat and value each man and woman with dignity and equality.
3. We are to value and respect our God-shaped individualities as men and women without equating superiority or inferiority to the other, because your individuality is what makes you “you” and others “them”.
4. We are to rightly carry out our distinct roles as husband and wife modeled after Jesus’ marriage to the Church for our complementary benefit and to portray the hidden beauty of Christ and His Church (as well as the Holy Trinity).
5. We must recognize our necessity of each other because we are incomplete without the other.

My hope is that by now you’ve come to realize that the big deal between men and women is that our similarities and differences are good and necessary. Our similarities are good because there is no superiority or inferiority between men and women in our value and dignity—we are co-equal as image-bearers, co-equal in our humanness, and (for Christians) co-equal in Christ. Our differences as men and women are good because in them we can see how they cause us to complement one another and not dominate the other. And our similarities and differences are both necessary because things get complicated (and real messy) between men and women when we don’t view or treat each other as God has defined in Scripture, and thus sin, selfishness, and fear creep in and corrupt that which is good between us.

We must be anchored in the truth of knowing that our similarities and differences are an extension of God’s love, goodness, and grace. Therefore, when we regard and treat one another appropriately in these ways we then are being an extension of God’s love, goodness, and grace to each other; which also means the opposite is true, we are then withholding God’s love, goodness, and grace when we don’t regard and treat one another appropriately in these ways.

I’ll end with some reflections questions and a time of response.

• How are you with treating and valuing each other with dignity and equality?
• How are you with regarding and respecting each other’s individuality?
• How are you representing Christ in these ways toward each other?
• How are you at encouraging and urging other believers to represent Christ in these ways toward each other?

Know that however you respond today, and anything you may have been guilty of from this message, it does not diminish the love, forgiveness, or grace of God toward you in Christ Jesus. He allowed you to hear this today because He loves you, because He has forgiven you, and because He is gracious toward you. So respond to Him today confidently knowing these things.

For unbelievers, what you need to know is that the God that you are running from, rejecting, and rebelling against created you in love and has placed His divine imprint of value upon you. You are valuable to God, so much so that He doubled your value by sending His Son to die for you. I implore you to respond to Him in faith today for your salvation.

The Underestimation of Sin, Men's Edition

We had our first men’s night at church (9/27/15) on the heels of the Ashley Madison scandal. We entered that night by way of heavy hearts and pastoral concern for our men. Many Christian men this year have fallen and been publicly exposed online and/or in their communities because they underestimated their sin and never thought their unconfessed, unrepentant, or secret sins would be exposed and cause themself and others harm. I’m posting my message from that night to warn and encourage men as we are heading into 2016.

Some Fallen Men in 2015
I list these men not to tarnish or condemn them, but as examples of the seriousness of underestimating our sin.
     -Tullian Tchividjian
Tullian wrote, “I returned from a trip a few months back and discovered that my wife was having an affair. Heartbroken and devastated, I informed our church leadership and requested a sabbatical to focus exclusively on my marriage and family. As her affair continued, we separated. Sadly and embarrassingly, I subsequently sought comfort in a friend and developed an inappropriate relationship myself.”(1)
     “[Tullian] says having an affair really forces a pastor, a person, to look at themselves and ask, "What kind of person did I become for me to do what I did, my wife to do what she did, where did I fail? Did I become something, someone I didn't see I was becoming?””(2)

     -Dr. R.C. Sproul Jr.(3)
R.C. Jr. wrote, “In August 2014, in a moment of weakness, pain, and from an unhealthy curiosity, I visited Ashley Madison.”
     “The grace of God’s judgment bore its fruit, and by His grace I repented of my sin. By His grace, I have also received His forgiveness, the outworking of His love. Prophetic providence had done its good office. Jesus died for this sin, but there are still earthly consequences. With the revelation of the hack has come the revelation of my sin. I recently informed the board of Ligonier Ministries, which has handled the matter internally, having suspended me until July 1, 2016. I also informed my presbytery which is also handling the matter internally. And now the world is informed.”
     “My sin, sadly, has impacted those who are innocent––my colleagues, friends, and family. I have and will continue to seek their forgiveness. I covet your prayers.”

     -Josh Duggar(4)
Josh wrote, “I have been the biggest hypocrite ever. While espousing faith and family values, I have been unfaithful to my wife. I am so ashamed of the double life that I have been living and am grieved for the hurt, pain and disgrace my sin has caused my wife and family, and most of all Jesus and all those who profess faith in Him. I have brought hurt and a reproach to my family, close friends and the fans of our show with my actions. The last few years, while publicly stating I was fighting against immorality in our country I was hiding my own personal failures. As I am learning the hard way, we have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences. I deeply regret all the hurt I have caused so many by being such a bad example.”

     -Seth Oiler(5)
“Seth Oiler died in the prime of his life. The 42-year-old pastor of First United Methodist Church (UMC) in Newark, Ohio, committed suicide in his church-owned home [in May]. His untimely death followed an adulterous affair with a church staff member to which he admitted.” The writer comments, “I can only imagine the guilt, shame and condemnation that was flooding his soul.” He left behind a wife and children.

     -John Gibson(6)
“New Orleans pastor and seminary professor John Gibson...can now be counted among the casualties of the Ashley Madison fiasco, [he committed suicide], and according to his wife, it illustrates the real and unnecessary human toll.”
     “For 25 of their almost 30 years of marriage, Gibson and her husband struggled with his sex addiction. She knew that he struggled and had relapsed over and over again. She did not know that he had used Ashley Madison until she read his suicide note... In it, her husband talked about his depression and his deep remorse and shame over having his name be among those found in the adultery website’s database.” The late pastor and professor Gibson said, “The shame is in the secrecy and the hiddenness and the lie of this.“

Ed Stetzer said that there might be up to 400 Christian men (all church leaders) whose secret sins will be exposed because of the Ashley Madison hack.(7) This is not counting the non-church leaders who may have an account; which means there may very well be 400+ families and communities impacted by unrepentant and secret sins!
     All of these men underestimated their sin and never thought their unconfessed, unrepentant, or secret sins would be exposed and cause themself and others harm. We don’t want this to be you. We don’t want the enemy ravaging you with bondage to sin, fear, and condemnation. We want you to know you are surrounded by other broken men, with sins & struggles like yours, and we also have a desire for those of you in sin/compromise to experience repentance, forgiveness, freedom, and restoration; because we have experienced it too.

5 Points of Caution
I believe God wants you specific men to hear these 5 particular points of caution—i.e. 5 points if taken seriously and followed will help to avoid the danger and mistake of unrepentant and secret sin.
1. God will put your unrepentant or secret sin on blast. (2Sam. 12:12, cf. 1Tim. 5:24).
     –Don’t assume that He won’t. And remember, God is perfectly righteous and just in doing so if He chooses to (Ps. 51:4). Instead, you need to recognize that the only reason your unrepentant or secret sin has not been blasted by God is because in His goodness He is patiently waiting for you to come to repentance (Rom. 2:1-4). It’s better that you tell on yourself and repent than God broadcast it and bring you to repentance the hard way.

2. Never forget your past. (i.e. don’t forget about your Egypt) (Tit. 3:3)
     -Don’t act like your past isn’t yours. Don’t fail to remember how cruel a master sin was. Don’t disregard the bondage/oppression/deception you were once under. Don’t fail to remember what God has delivered you from [and maybe still is]). The moment we forget about our past, we, like the Israelites, begin to desire the hazardous things of the past we just forgot about.

3. Remain ever watchful in your present. (1Cor. 10:12-13)
     -No sleeping on the job, ever. Always alert. Always inspecting. Be like the German soldiers during the Cold War, weapon in hand, standing guard at every hole in the wall so nothing slips by. There is too much at stake. Be constantly vigilant!

4. Confidently pursue your promised future. (Col. 3:1-4)
     -Your life is hidden with Christ. You are not your past or your present. You are your promised future! Pursue the transformed you, the you being made-over in the likeness of Jesus, the you being progressively sanctified in Jesus, the you controlled by the Holy Spirit, the new you "being renewed in knowledge according to the image" (v10) of God. Your promised future is one of wholeness and holiness. Confidently pursue what God has for you while remembering your past and being watchful in your present!

5. Remember the character of God. (Heb. 13:8)
     –He is just and merciful. God will justly judge our sin, and yet He will extend mercy when we cry out to Him in repentance and for forgiveness.
     –He is holy and full of grace. Anything unholy is offensive to God. Our sin is offensive to Him. Yet, He graciously pardons our sin and iniquities even though we never deserve to be pardoned.
     –He is jealous and loving. God despises sharing our devotion and worship with anything or anyone, but His love remains unconditional toward us despite our disloyalty toward Him.
     –He is sovereign. God is in complete control and works all things together for our good according to His will, and yet He still holds us responsible for our sin, and to repent, and to obey.

Conclusion
There are, what I believe, 9 common sins among men: (The list below is not in any significant order)

(i)Porn
     “64% of Christian men…say they watch porn at least once a month.” “Because porn use thrives in secrecy, many church members are trapped in a cycle of sin and shame, thinking that they're the only ones facing this temptation.”(8)
(ii)Masturbation
(iii)Fornication
(iv)Pride of heart (the attitude)
(v)Pride of life (the pursuit (why and what), the image [reputation])
(vi)Idolatry (putting something/one in the place only God belongs)
(vii)Anger (rage, outward aggression)
(viii)Lust (lust of eyes, lust for sex)
(ix)Selfishness (self-absorbed)

These 9 are seen and done so naturally that conviction decreases, and so does repenting of these things, and so does striving to be transformed from these things (i.e. deliverance, holiness, wholeness).

Three verses to ponder and obey:

Proverbs 28:13 (NLT)—“People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy.”
Jam. 5:16 (NLT)—“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.”
1Jn. 1:9 (ESV)—“If we confess our sins [to Him], He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

Do not be that man that underestimates his sin and never thinks that your unconfessed, unrepentant, or secret sins will not be exposed and cause yourself and others harm. Confess and repent and experience mercy, healing, forgiveness, and cleansing!

“Freedom means that on your worst day you are loved by the Father because your acceptance is based on the righteousness of Another.” “Freedom means you don't have to hide from God because Jesus took your rejection. Weary and broken you can run to His gracious arms.” –Paul Tripp

____________________
1. www.washingtonpost.com/news/acts-of-faith/wp/2015/06/21/billy-grahams-grandson-steps-down-from-florida-megachurch-after-admitting-an-affair/
2. www.charismanews.com/culture/51066-tullian-tchividjian-gets-why-pastors-caught-in-adultery-commit-suicide
3. rcsprouljr.com/blog/general/judgment-and-grace/
4. www.churchleaders.com/daily-buzz/260849-5-things-pastors-learn-josh-duggars-confession.html
5. www.charismanews.com/opinion/watchman-on-the-wall/49866-pastor-commits-suicide-in-church-owned-home-after-admitting-adultery | www.christianpost.com/news/married-pastor-commits-suicide-after-admitting-affair-with-church-member-he-loved-god-ronald-reagan-and-captain-america-139666/
6. www.washingtonpost.com/news/acts-of-faith/wp/2015/09/09/why-the-wife-of-a-pastor-exposed-in-ashley-madison-leak-spoke-out-after-his-suicide/
7. www.churchleaders.com/daily-buzz/261321-ed-stetzer-400-pastors-caught-ashley-madison-hack-may-resign-sunday.html
8. www.covenanteyes.com/pornstats

12/2/2015