Marriage, Divorce, & Remarriage

It is sad to see born-again children of God considering their options in marriage. After being married for eleven years this September, and going from literal hell to grace during the first nine years, I can empathize and also stand firm on God’s Word concerning hard times in marriage and possible divorce. 
     As I descent into this topic, I will exhaust as much as I can, as concisely as I can. I should caution, this a little lengthy, but my hope is it's informative enough that it’s worth the time. 

What the Bible says Marriage is and is not
     Allow me to start with explaining what the biblical teaching on marriage is. God didn’t waste any time defining what marriage is, but without the term “marriage”. In Genesis 2:18, God said, “It is not good that man should be alone.” And so God made a woman—from man—for man to be in a covenant (a mutual binding) relationship with one another (Gen. 2:19-25). The man is rejoined to the woman to again become one flesh. Thus, marriage is a relationship between a man who leaves (uncommits himself from) his parents and becomes joined (bound—covenanted in soul, in mind, in emotion, in speech, and in the physical) as one flesh with his wife in the sight of God. Furthermore, the New Testament solidified this covenant relationship when Jesus and the Apostle Paul quoted the same statement by God in Genesis 2 (cf. Matt. 19:3-6, Eph. 5:31).
     The God-designed marriage as seen in Genesis nullifies our contemporary definitions of what marriage could or should be. A God-designed marriage cannot be between same sexes. A God-designed marriage is not a civil union. A God-designed marriage is not living together as boyfriend and girlfriend or even as engaged. A God-designed marriage is not a long-term relationship that acts or looks as if it is a marriage. A God-designed marriage is not between multiple men and women—polygamy. A God-designed marriage cannot be between children; for children are still under the care of their parents of whom the man has to leave in order to become one flesh with his wife. A God-designed marriage excludes “the mentally impaired, and those who are psychotic or psychopathic at the time of entering into marriage.”(1) Why exclude these particular classes—children, psychotic, mentally impaired, and psychopathic? That can be answered like such,

"To sunder one’s parental relationships and join oneself in (sic) intimate, lifelong union with a person who hitherto has been a stranger demands a considerable degree of maturity—as expressed in a capacity for self-giving love, emotional stability, and the capacity to understand what is involved in committing one’s life to another in marriage.(2)"

Also, the God-designed marriage as seen in Genesis is the foundation for the condemnation of fornication (sex outside of marriage) and adultery (unfaithfulness within the covenant relationship of marriage); because you’re only suppose to become one flesh/joined with your husband or wife. Furthermore, God charged the first male and female, who were married, to be fruitful and multiply—that is, have sex and reproduce only in the context of marriage (Gen. 1:27-28). Accordingly, we can clearly see marriage is serious in God’s eyes. 

God's view on Divorce

     With seeing what God’s designed marriage is, we can now appropriately move into God’s view on divorce. In Deuteronomy 24 is where we find the first mention of the law concerning divorce. I like what D.J. Atkinson had to say in regards to the law concerning divorce. He said, “this legislation is granting a permission, not giving a command.”(3) If you take a hard, long look at the passage, there is no hint of a command to divorce but rather the presupposition that divorce will take place. Atkinson goes on further to say, “the main point of the paragraph is concerned with remarriage….The paragraph recognizes that divorces happen, though it does not command or encourage them.”(4) The International Standard Bible Encyclopedia states, “Moses’ aim was “to regulate and Thus (sic) to mitigate an evil which he could not extirpate (completely remove).””(5) Hence, we can see from the inception of this law divorce was never commanded by God, but simply orderly permitted because sinful man was already inclined to divorce.
    The follow-up question to this is what is permissible for divorce then? According to Deuteronomy 24:1, what was permissible was “he has found some uncleanness in her”. The term “uncleanness” is interpreted in others translations as “indecency”. Regardless, both in the Hebrew for this context mean nakedness or to make/become naked.(6) Matthew Henry writes in his commentary, “This uncleanness must mean something less than adultery; for, (sic) for that, she was to die…”(7) The Bible says in Leviticus 20:10 that both the adulterer and adulteress shall be put to death. So this passage in Deuteronomy could imply a number of different reasons for one to get a divorce.
     The same ambiguity in the Deuteronomy passage was presented before the greatest scholar ever to live, Jesus of Nazareth. The Pharisees’ asked Jesus “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?” (Matt. 19:3). Jesus answered quoting Genesis 2:24. What does this mean? Jesus was stating, if you get married stay married and only let God separate what He has joined together; hence it’s more lawful (right) to stay married rather than divorce. The Pharisees then bring up Deuteronomy 24:1, but presented it out of context. “They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?”” (Matthew 19:7). Jesus first corrects their misinterpretation by telling them, one, the certificate was given because of the hardness of your heart not as a way out for you in your marriage; two, Moses permitted it not commanded it; and three, “from the beginning it was not so.” (Matthew 19:8). Again implying it’s more lawful (right) to stay married rather than divorce. But then Jesus, whom I believe knew in their heart they weren’t satisfied with the answer He gave them, goes on to supersede the old law—i.e. with the phrase “And I say to you” (Matt. 19:9 compare with Matt. 5:21-22, 27-28, 31-32, 33-37)—and clarify the ambiguity with “found some uncleanness in her” by restating what He taught in the sermon on the mount in “whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”(8) This response by Jesus we can tell, by the response of the Apostles, was taken with more conviction and had hit a nerve in the heart behind most Jews reasons for divorce: “His disciples said to Him, “If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry.”” (Matt. 19:10). So we can see that Jesus put more emphasis on how it’s more lawful (right) to stay married rather than divorce, but if one must divorce, then it is permissible on the grounds of sexual immorality.
     Now, later on the Apostle Paul addresses again this topic of marriage and divorce. But first, let’s clear up a possible misinterpretation before moving forward. In Romans 7:1-3 and 1Corinthians 7:11, Paul is not saying by his silence in this passage that whoever gets a divorce is committing adultery, for we already know Jesus said divorce is permitted on the grounds of sexual immorality. Yet, the Apostle does add to the teaching on divorce in 1Corinthians 7. Paul says if a Christian is married to an unbeliever and the unbeliever decides to depart the marriage, the Christian is not bound in that type of divorce (1Cor. 7:15). Thus, as "narrow-minded" as this may sound to some, according to the New Testament, divorce is permitted only on the grounds of sexual immorality and the departure of an unbelieving spouse. Any other reasons cause the Christian to commit adultery. 

What about Remarriage? 
     The next question is, is it then ever acceptable for a Christian to remarry? According to the passages we just discussed, yes, either if there is (i)a divorce on the permitted grounds of sexual immorality or (ii)departure of an unbelieving spouse, or, according to Romans 7:2, (iii)if the spouse dies. Now on a more personal perspective, because Christians are justified by Christ alone through faith alone, if a Christian does divorce and remarry for other reasons and circumstances other than what the Scriptures state are permissible, while they may be charged under Scripture with committing adultery that has no bearing on their justification (i.e. their salvation status before God) nor God's love for them. Yes there will be consequences for the decisions and actions. But according to 1John 1:9, as long as they sincerely confess their sins Jesus is “faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” So their new marriage is fine, and hopefully will be better than the first after learning from the previous experience. Moreover, I believe that just as there are other extreme cases where divorce is permissible (e.g. a pattern of physical abuse, a spouse has been lost/missing for years, etc), if one get’s remarried after an extreme case that it too is permissible. 

The Aftermath
      Divorce, although permissible, and although it cannot separate you from God’s love for you (Rom. 8:31-39), it will always leave debris. D.J. Atkinson describe it this way, “The word “divorce” in the phrase “bill of divorcement” is related to the word for hewing down trees, even cutting off heads. It indicates the severing of what was once a living union. Divorce, then, is a kind of amputation. It cannot happen without damage to the partners concerned.”(9) I’ll go further and say, divorce cannot happen without damage to not only the partners but the families and, if present, the children as well. The debris of divorce from Christians affects the church in its witness to the world and hinders it from glorifying and representing Jesus in our families. Also, divorce in general affects society by diminishing the view and standard of marriage to the watching generations. 

Reflect and Respond well
      It is because of sin and the hardness of man’s heart that divorce is permissible. But it is permissible with consequences. These consequences are serious and have to be taken into thoughtful consideration, especially if you’re currently thinking about divorce. Divorce should not be an option, but I understand that it is and I understand sometimes it may be necessary. But there will still be consequences, so prayerfully respond well.
  Remarriage from a divorce while permissible is questionable without maturity from the one seeking to be remarried. Otherwise you’ll bring the same personal issues and character defects into the new marriage. Remarriage is as equally serious as an initial marriage. Please take this into thoughtful consideration. Be sure to clear up all the debris from your divorce or risk bringing those unhealthy damages into this new union and possibly contaminating it.
     God’s designed marriage, if done using His wisdom and led by His Spirit, is a beautiful, lifelong covenant of mutual intimacy, support, companionship, and maturity, best described and displayed in the mystery of Christ and His Church. Biblical courting, pre-marital counseling and mentoring, and not rushing into marriage are good ways to make sure time and godly discernment are properly vested before you say “I do” to a lifelong covenant relationship with another fallen human being. Please take this into thoughtful consideration.
    And for those already married, things like marriage counseling and mentoring, individual counseling, personal discipleship, and building relationships with other mature, godly married couples to help hold you accountable, pour into, and build up your marriage are great ways to assist in the success and joy of this lifelong covenant relationship. Please take this into thoughtful consideration.
     I’ll end with this, divorce is permissible and remarriage is permissible, and God loves you in it all and through it all. But God’s desire is it’s best that if you get married to stay married and only let Him separate what He has joined together.

____________________
1. Walter A. Elwell, ed., Evangelical Dictionary of Theology (Grand Rapids: Baker Academic), 744
2. Walter A. Elwell, ed., Evangelical Dictionary of Theology (Grand Rapids: Baker Academic), 744
3. Walter A. Elwell, ed., Evangelical Dictionary of Theology (Grand Rapids: Baker Academic), 346
4. Walter A. Elwell, ed., Evangelical Dictionary of Theology (Grand Rapids: Baker Academic), 346 (emphasis added)
5. James Orr, ed., International Standard Bible Encyclopedia via eSword, “Divorce in The Old Testament” (parenthetical remarks added)
6. Ervah—From arah; nudity, literally (especially the pudenda) or figuratively (disgrace, blemish) -- nakedness, shame, unclean(-ness). Arah—A primitive root; to be (causatively, make) bare.
7. Matthew Henry (1662 - 1714). Matthew Henry’s Commentary on the Whole Bible
8. Matthew 19:9 compare with Matthew 5:31-32
9. Walter A. Elwell, ed., Evangelical Dictionary of Theology (Grand Rapids: Baker Academic), 348 (emphasis added)

2011

Genesis Contemplations II

GENESIS CONTEMPLATIONS II

Curse of Cain, son of Adam:
Most of us are familiar with the story of Cain and Abel. Cain’s offering to the Lord was rejected while his brother Abel’s was accepted. I can go off and get into why that was the case, but I’m not. Cain goes on to draw his brother Abel out into the field and then kill him. This is where I want to meditate. Cain kills his brother. God confronts him about it. Cain denies even knowing what God is talking about. God then curses Cain, “So now you are cursed from the earth… When you till the ground, it shall no longer yield its strength to you. A fugitive and a vagabond you shall be on the earth.” That’s it. God hit Cain right where it hurt the most, Cain’s gifting. The Bible says Cain was a tiller of the ground (Gen. 4:2). God said your gift will be useless now, the thing you love to do (or the thing you are great at doing) will no longer yield to you, and you shall continually wander among the earth. That’s it from God. His said His peace, He rendered His punishment.
     Cain, on the other hand, feeling the brunt of the punishment for what he did, says to God, “My punishment is greater than I can bear!” (Gen. 4:13-14). Separated from his family, soon to be separated from the presence of God (Gen. 4:16), living with the guilt of what he did to his younger brother, and in his mind a useless existence because the thing that identified him will no longer do so. Outcasted by the consequence of his action, just like his father Adam was, Cain in a depressed, guilt-ridden state of mind goes on to add on to God’s curse and curse himself, “…it will happen that anyone who finds me will kill me.” (Gen. 4:14). Cain no longer wants to live. But God, demonstrating yet again—like He did with Cain’s father—what Paul says in Romans 5:8, adds a curse onto Cain’s curse, ““Therefore whoever kills Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold.” And the Lord set a mark on Cain, lest anyone finding him should kill him.” (Gen. 4:15).
     How wonderful is our God, that even when Cain cursed himself for the pain and affliction he caused his parents and himself by way of his selfish acts, God sovereignly intervened and saves him, not from the consequences, but from the added curse he put on himself. Not only did God do this for Cain, but for Cain’s grandson Lamech as well. Like his grandfather Lamech killed a man and possibly internally cursed himself (Gen. 4:17-19, 23). God perceiving something in regards to this put a curse on anyone who attempted or did kill Lamech for what he did (Gen. 4:24).

The takeaway
What can we take away from Cain son of Adam? One is to be honest before God and with God. Another is to know that we are our brother and sister’s keeper and God will hold us accountable accordingly. Also our life is not identified by our gift(s), careers, accomplishments, and so on, but rather our lives are to be identified with the Creator and Giver of all good things. It should affect and penetrate us more to know we can lose fellowship (not relationship) with our God because of our sin more than we are affected or penetrated by the loss of anything else. And finally there are times in our life where we curse ourselves for the pain and affliction our selfish acts have caused others and/or ourselves. What we need to know is our God sees and knows what the just consequence is for our actions (and will allow such), and in His mercy He intervenes and “sets a mark” on us to keep us from our own curses.

Curse of Ham, son of Noah:
The Bible says from Noah’s three sons the whole earth was populated (Gen. 9:19). Noah’s son Ham has a very interesting story and lineage, which had major implications on history.
     In Genesis 9:22 the Bible records Ham seeing his father’s nakedness and then telling his two brothers. Ham’s brothers Shem and Japheth covered their father without looking at his nakedness (Gen. 9:23). Because of what Ham did God cursed Ham’s son Canaan (Gen. 9:25-27). But back to Ham, we’ll get to Canaan later. Ham’s decision to look upon his father and not cover him caused lingering internal problems for his lineage. Ham begot Cush (Gen. 10:6). Cush is the father of Nimrod (Gen. 10:8). The infamous Nimrod built a kingdom from Babel (which is Babylon- Gen. 11:9) to Assyria (Gen. 10:8-12). In Assyria Nimrod built Nineveh, whom we know from the story of Jonah. Nimrod was the founder of the lands and nations that were future enemies to the Israelites. Ham begot Mizraim (Gen. 10:6). Mizraim begot the father of the Philistines (Gen. 10:13-14), a consistent enemy of Israel during the Old Testament. Ham begot Canaan (Gen. 10:6). Canaan begot majority of the “ites” the Israelites warred with in the Old Testament (Gen. 10:15-18). And that is because Canaan was cursed to be a servant to the lineage of which the Israelites came through, Noah’s son Shem (Gen. 9:26; 11:10-26). The border of the Canaanites stretched from Sidon to as far as Gaza to as far as Sodom and Gomorrah (Gen. 10:19). We know Sodom and Gomorrah as the most sexually vile city among the world at one point (Gen. 13:13; 18:20-21; 19:1-13). They were a straight descendant of the first person to look upon the nakedness of the same sex--his father at that. Should we be shocked by Sodom and Gomorrah seeing the lineage in which they descend from? I think not. Canaan is also the land promised by God to the descendants of Abraham (Gen. 12:4-7; 15:12-21).
     More can be expounded on, but for the point I’m trying to make this is enough.

The takeaway
We can see from one man’s act, a whole lineage was internally cursed (also displayed in Cain with Lamech). This may be the case in your life. Your parents (or their parents, and so on) passed on their lineage of dysfunction to you in someway—depression, promiscuity, alcoholism, drug abuse, status seeking, people pleasing, bad decision making, etc. Praise God for making a way for us to born from the Seed of promise and not from the seed of shame! Praise God for Jesus who can break our generational dysfunctionality from being passed on to our children (ref. Acts 16:31-34) as long as we follow His prescription on life (Rom. 6:10-23).* (Let me clarify something. I didn't say nor was I implying that all of our problems, struggles, or the affects/influence of sin in our lives will go away because we are saved. Paul prayed three times that God would remove the thorn from his flesh, but He didn't. There are "thorn(s)" God allows to stay in our lives so that we, like Paul, don't get to elated and we always have a reminder of our constant need for Jesus- 2Cor. 12:7-10).

Conclusion
To conclude on both, how great is our God! For while we were still sinners He sent His Son Jesus Christ to die for us and redeem us from the curse of the law (and the curse of ourselves) and bring us into grace! This grace is available for us in every area of our lives and in every situation we come upon. Take away from these two whatever you can. I hope my contemplations have helped you in someway.

_________________________________________________________________

* Just because Jesus can break any generational curse/dysfunction from being passed on by us to our children that doesn’t mean that our children won’t have any dysfunction or cause and pass on any dysfunction of their own (Jer. 31:29-30, Hos. 10:12-13, Gal. 6:7-8).

2009

From a son to his father

During the ending of September beginning of October my father was hospitalized. At that time no one knew exactly the extent how bad his sickness was. Maybe a day after being hospitalized he called, and we talked. My father and I don't talk about God. So this was a prime opportunity to share the Gospel with him, and when I did it was more subliminally than directly. When I got off the phone my wife said I should've took that opportunity and really told him how I felt. I said I would pray for boldness for the next time God gives me an opportunity to talk with him like that. Well, the next day he got worse. They quarantined him. I immediately felt burdened. I said, "If something happens to him and I never tell him how much I love him and how much Jesus loves him, I won't be able to forgive myself. I already lost a younger cousin to suicide and had many chances to share Jesus and never did. This time I'm not blowing it." So I went to the computer and wrote a letter. I thought about mailing it, then I sensed the Spirit telling me to call him and read it to him. We had a good talk. And since then, I've noticed little changes in how he wants to be around me and my family more. Praise God for the power of His love.

Just yesterday I was told one of my Bible study brothers lost his father. This made me think. If you have someone in your life that you care about who doesn't know Jesus. Don't wait any longer. Tell them how much you love them and how much Jesus loves them. Time is of the essence!

Here is the letter I wrote. Who knows who else God may use it to bless.
"I love you pops, and I wanted you to know that it is going to hurt me when your time comes to leave this earth. But it's going to hurt evermore to know that I won't see you in heaven because you don't believe that Jesus Christ died for your sins and through His death those who believe in Him are forgiven and accepted into God's family forever. I'd rather have you'd be sick and stuff but know the state of your soul and eternity is secure, than to have you well and then one day die and your soul and eternity is doomed. It's on this fact that I am not concerned about grandma's or granddaddy's health and time here, because I know I will see them again in heaven. It's on this fact that I am not concerned about my mother's health and time here, because I know I will see her again in heaven. But I cannot say the same for you, and that sincerely concerns and hurts me. I love you. I want to know that my father has witnessed what Jesus has done in his son's life, the change that Jesus and only Jesus has performed in your son's life, and then in your son's family. You have witnessed this first-hand. It's all because Jesus has saved my soul and has given me access to His power to live a life that pleases, honors, and glorifies Him. And I choose to take hold of His power and live in this way because I want to show Him how grateful I am and how much I love Him for all that He has done for me: saving my soul, delivering me from jail when I was straight-up guilty, delivering me from my many addictions––my sex addiction, drug addiction, control addiction, rage addiction, and so on––restoring my marriage, blessing me with 2 children who shouldn't even have made it out the womb, reconciling my relationship with my mother, and numerous numerous of other things. This is all because of Jesus Christ. I went from being and living one way, to being and living a whole other way.

I know you think all religions and beliefs believe in the same God or point to the same God, but they don't. I have personally researched just about every religion, and each belief has major differences in what they believe, and they all will tell you they don't believe in the same God. Muslims, Jews, Christians, Hindu's, Ba'ha's, Mystical religions, Mormons, Jehovah Witnesses, Wiccans, Universalist, Buddhist, and the many others, all have fundamental differences. And since we're all different and yet we all claim to be the "TRUTH", we all can't be right. One of these is right which will automatically make the others false. So right there we see that they all don't point to the same God or believe in the same God. What separates Jesus Christ from all of the others is that the "god" the rest claim to believe in have no proof or evidence in their "god" actually being the one true God. But Jesus Christ has strong evidence for Him being the one true God. We have historic evidence that Jesus lived, performed miracles, claimed to be God, died on a cross, rose from the dead, and the people who have truly encountered Jesus haven't been the same since. No other belief has more proof for the guarantee of what they claim, except for Jesus Christ. I am a living witness to the reality of Jesus, grandma and granddaddy are living witnesses to the reality of Jesus, and the many other family members of ours are living witnesses to the reality of Jesus. Jesus Christ is not like the others. He stands alone.

I know you also think people who claim to be Christians are hypocrites. You said you know people who don't believe and live better than some of those who you know who do claim to believe. Well, one, not everyone one who claims to believe in Jesus actually belongs to Jesus. Second, even those who have been truly saved and changed by Jesus are all still human; so we all still make mistakes. None of us are perfect, nor do we claim to be perfect, nor do we try to be perfect. We live like I said before, choosing to take hold of His power and live in a way that shows Him how grateful we are and how much we love Him for all that He has done for us.

I am sharing all of this with you so you won't think believing in Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord is some blind leap with no logic or evidence. Believing in Jesus is just the opposite. There is logic, and most importantly, there is evidence. And the greatest evidence Jesus provides is the truly changed lives of those who truly believe in Him as Lord and Savior. Again, your son pops is a living witness of the truth of Jesus being who He says He is. And as your son, I am asking you to do what I did. Believe that He died to pay your penalty from God for your sins, that He rose to show and prove He has power over death and can give those who believe in Him eternal life after death, and then believe in Him as your personal Lord and Savior. And just like I did and am still doing let Jesus show you how much He loves you, has a better life for you, and will give you His power to change and live for Him. But most of all, He secures your eternal future, pops. No other religion or belief can be certain of their eternal future, only those who believe in Jesus. With Jesus you will no longer have to be concerned with what is going to happen to you when you die, and neither will I or your parents.

I know I probably poured a lot on you. But after Sherman died suddenly, and I had just spoke to him and then he was heavy on my heart later and I never talked to him like I'm talking to you now, it would literally crush me if you died since no one is promised tomorrow and I never told you how much I love you and how much I want you to know that Jesus loves you, gave His life for you, and He wants to be the Savoir of your soul and Lord of your life. Especially in your current condition, I couldn't go another day knowing I have never just straight-up told you that. So I have and now you know where I stand, and I hope you take my concerns seriously and let Jesus into your heart pops. And if you want to know how to do that, let me know. I love you, pops. I'm done."

2008